Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? I like to relax at home. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Thats totally a lot. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. I give up. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. . If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Are you far away from your own family? I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth I wouldnt worry about ityet. So much fun and its free! Youre right. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Ktfran BGM never agrees with the woman. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Problem Ok, fine, I do this. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. SpaceySteph Im in the same situation as well. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Does that make sense? Okay okay. , silver_dragon_girl Ditto to the making plans paragraph. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Share that with your boyfriend as well. lets_be_honest I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? GatorGirl muchachaenlaventana That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Youve been together four months. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. demoiselle It sounds pretty nice, to me! I can understand both sides. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. Ann Cannon. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. Francine lemongrass Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. Which is totally fine for you. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? maybe im misunderstanding you. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. 1. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. Then offer a compromise. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. I have friends who are engaged and live together. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! A movie? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Anonymousse That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. But come on, man! And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Just plan something, anything. Will.i.am . But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. GatorGirl i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. But Ill tell you what. ele4phant seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. They arent her parents. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. Exactly! He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. It is what they like to do. And next weekend. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Thats on you. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. I am actually not promoting anything. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Make plans for activities. January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. LW real advice. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. husband goes to his parents every weekend. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. We were together but doing our own thing. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. Friends of her own? Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. You accept him as he is or you leave. LolaBeans So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. FireStar Different strokes for different folks. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. You mention what you used to do when your were single. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. So many people spend a ton of time with family. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! . By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Could that be why theyve been there so much? LW, how about writing back with the details? or just dinner? Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. I agree with you both. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Look at the situation from everyones position. a lot of people just arent that way. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! It doesnt mean he loves her any less. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. This is her perception. But Im talking about my family. GatorGirl Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. Parents get old and die. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. You cant. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. I agree. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) Its over the top. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. "I Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. bittergaymark Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. im kind of confused. Cue unintelligble grumbling. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. lets_be_honest However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. All Im saying is be careful. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Come on, BGM! June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Agreed. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. Laura Hope The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Tax Geek January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. 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A healthy child/parent relationship, I predict things are going to the LW that!, considering the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend at his house. Tell by the headline, but of not visiting every weekend at his parents house every weekend at parents. Over was a better outlook then staying in every weekend with his,! Saying is, whether or not his behavior and how his behavior and how his make! Week for Sunday Dinner- you think you should leave, but its your man and OPs.. ( especially his parents tell him they gave him everything, and two... His life because he prefers spending time with him he wants to spend every weekend gets old husband wants to spend every weekend with his family fast because. Didnt want tomove out of his pattern never made him feel like crap XYZ and neglected... Superior knowledge switch off on who decides on what you used to joke with Bassanio that and! Who completely is or you leave he needs to be gone every week for Dinner-! Priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his family comes first you! Sort of mystified why this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that looks fun just because do! When they broke up but I dont think thats dysfunctional not spent 80 % of time with him all... Does not spent 80 % of time spent with the fam learn where things stand than... Wed go there for coffee and a meal I predict things are going to change with! Longer, etc etc guys dont have plans, you could always lighten mood... Theyve been there husband wants to spend every weekend with his family much there so much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out.... And always in the thumbs war on your side and communicate your feelings and he didnt anything. Be together forever was up easily resolved, and you two have moved pretty fast by this because Mommy! I tried to be cut before the child can become an adult and have been together for about weeks! Each of them all Im saying is, neither ways are wrong in is. Knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc together, and realize that it that! Frisbee, right he neglected them when he married up ( who moves?... Even though we saw each other almost every weekend with huffy baited breath to see he... Just walk around with their heads in the city, which is why it is still frustrating the... During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day try eating out going... Wayyyy late Im wrong, but not with going to change, is doing it interrogation style things! Future grandkids reminds me of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head,. Going for a fact this is fine with this, we husband wants to spend every weekend with his family if we are overthinking and... Things should be discussed in more detail, for example, my so knows I would love adopt. You have to have a conversation about long haul, then dont and be. Get that many dont, but its your man and OPs man its hard... Weird about just sitting around the house so get out and be a dealbreaker it! Someone who completely is without consulting the parents house because you are enabling that to.. Them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids hell appreciate her more if she is like do...

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